*Very Long* Anyone here with an estranged sibling? (If you have some time to listen & guide please)?
Mary Asked: *Very Long* Anyone here with an estranged sibling? (If you have some time to listen & guide please)?
I have a sister who has little contact with me. We both were abused by our parents who later got help and medicated and somewhat recovered. My sister moved across the US and got her doctorate degree and is teaching. In the past 20 years, I rarely see her or talk to her. She called me up a few years ago and asked me what I'm going to do when our parents die that since I was still living with them it's my responsibility. I told her it's good to think of the future but she's a bit cold.
Our parents don't socialize much and their relatives don't have much to do with any of us. I only met them when i was in elementary school a few times.
My sister will call me once in a blue moon crying because of some boyfriend problem. She told me she knows its wrong to make whoever her current boyfriend into her world. She pretty much blows everyone else off unless she is broken up.
The rare times she visitied me she was kind of weird. When my boyfriend walked next to me and held my hand she walked in-between us and said she wasn't going to be a third wheel. Now, I don't try to be kissy in front of people but come on! I don't do that when the rare time she brings her bf around, in fact, I keep a distance because she is hyper sensitive and even a friendly hello to the guy she can think is flirting. This is what she fights her bf a lot about, a too friendly hello to the waitress can have her making a fit before all. So its not just me.
I've forgiven my parents and they've tried to be better to both of us, trying to support us both when we have any problem. They are kind of upset she talks when she's in the mood or what she'll do when she's not in the mood…she plays silent on the phone and will just sigh every few minutes when we ask why she isn't saying anything. When i told her I feel she has a problem and needs to talk to a doctor, she exploded crying and said she can't see a shrink and have it on her record while looking for a teaching job (or even having one).
I try to understand and not be upset but I'm human and I feel sad and angry by the situation. I remember even in middle and high school she would make fun of me with her friends. If she was listening to cool music I'd tell her I liked it and ask what it is and she would give me a fake name. I don't understand this type of behavior. It's kind of snotty for no reason. My parents will say I'm the warm-hearted one but sensitive. They call my sister, sorry to write but "****** one." I don't think that's nice but I understand where they're coming from.
It just seems she's being like the pattern of our family and cutting everyone off but her bf. She told me he complains she is too clingy and possessive of him but he does seem to love her. I tried telling her some of what i wrote here by email and text since she won't take my call and she just ignores me. But when Christmas or birthday comes she'll call and say a quick wish and some small chit-chat and then I'm a stranger to her and she has nothing to do with me.
Our mother had late onset psychosis and I tried to be there and get her help and visit her in the hospital. When my sister was there, her reaction was cold. She'd put a chair up to the door while she slept so my mom couldn't enter. My mom wasn't really bad at the time, she just says some off things about spirits. She's into channeling and psychic things. Then my sister cut her stay with them a week short and immediately jumped on a plane back to her bf across the US. My bf thinks she's just a selfish damaged person who doesn't really want to get better.
Two of our siblings committed suicide 10 and 20 years ago. We're in our 30s. I had a bad dream recently she did it too. That's when I called her and told her I felt the way she acts she needs to get help and she burst out crying which is very rare. I care about her but I feel so thrown away like garbage by her. My neighbors are more humane to me. What can I do? It hurts to see this and not know what to do? She seems sickened by any heart to heart conversation and closes up and has to go. I told her why repeat how our father doesn't talk to his two brothers or how our mother has no contact with her siblings except one. She gave no response. Sometimes i want to scream at her why is she choosing to be like this and such a stranger when we have so little family and other times I just feel she's mentally sick and needs help but she won't get it and I can't force it and I'm afraid one day she kills herself and I never get to really know her, my only sister. She has had many bouts of suicidal ideation since high school, usually due to boyfriend breakups.
Answers:
First off, may I please extend my sincere sympathy for a really difficult situation.
This will probably be kind of a long answer because I know how you feel to an extent.
I am an 18 year old girl, who was pretty much forced to grow up in the past year and make one of the most difficult decisions of my life.
Long story short, I got pregnant completely by accident, and was basically bullied into a termination by my whole family, including my older brother. We fought a lot, and he actually ended up slapping me. I don't regret anything in the past, but I am still stung by this, and we have not spoken since. We're both adopted from South Korea (he is not my biological brother), so to lose the only brother I may ever know saddens me deeply.
If you aren't seeing a therapist, I highly suggest it. I was adverse to seeing one before, but it's been so good for me. When you're in that stressful of a relationship with a family member, you need to have someone to help you out 🙂
I would keep encouraging your sister to see a therapist as well. Most people have one. My mother is a college professor, and regularly goes to see a therapist. It puts no limitations on job opportunities, nor does it cause you to lose a job you already have.
Your parent's opinion of your sister may also be a reason why she is the way she is. I was the favorite in my family too (I'm the youngest). My brother had serious identity issues with being adopted and all that, and he is extremely detached from the family and very very cold. He is 25. But I think a large part of his bitterness and icy demeanor might be because he knew my parents favored me. That sounds really selfish, but it's the truth. The sad truth. But my parents would never call my brother a bad name. So for your parents to do that, your sister isn't blind. She probably knows your parents favor you, and resents both them and you for that. She is insecure and jealous, but it is not exactly unwarrented, as delusional as it might seem.
When it comes down to it, she is your sister, and you obviously love her. I would let her know that. Make her listen to you, maybe a group therapy session? I know people cringe whenever they hear the word "therapy," but it can give amazing results.
I wish you all the best of luck. I hope I was sort of helpful 🙂
It sounds as though although your sister likes to think she is independent, shes not! But im afraid your parents are probably mostly to blame for her behaviour. You didn't say what kind of abuse it was so im assuming its physical? This in itself effects people in different ways. Whereas you have learned to 'cope' with it, she clearly hasn't, and is holding alot of resentment towards your parents for whatever it was they did to you all.
As for you in a relationship, she is jealous of you, simple as that. I think she loves you but probably doesn't understand how you can deal with this and she cant. You're right, she does need help. Perhaps your parents should talk to her and tell her this, as i cannot think of any other solution.
Really you are the stronger of the two and she looks to you for re-assurance. Listen to her, and support her as much as you can, up until the point she crosses the line, if she does this and your not happy with her reaction e.g. her walking in between you and your bf, stop, look at her and say please dont do that, i wouldn't do it to you so please dont do it me. Be direct so she knows you will not take any nonsense from her.
I hope all goes well, it would be beneficial for her to seek medical help as i feel if she doesn't, she could also succumbed to suicidal thoughts.
The visons, the angels, the mutant rabbits, and the irrelevant thoughts are just your mind's natural way of organizing itself. Everyone is different in this regard.
Psychosis doesn't have a percentage. Except for the binder trash and the "killing humans" jibe, This could actually sound like schizophrenia symptoms. Hallucinations, confusion / memory problems and anhedonia (lack of joy in things you once found enjoyable). Find a shrink.
To me it kinda sounds like Schizophrenia. I know your probably denying right now. But what if your Schizophrenia is at its early stage right now? And you may not even know it? I would get a psychiatrist involve in your case. Good luck buddy :).
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