I told my husband a family secret. I feel he no longer sees me the same way.?

Butterfly Asked: I told my husband a family secret. I feel he no longer sees me the same way.?

I never told my husband how my father really died. My father took his own life, and I buried that secret within my heart for 17 years. I never shared it with anyone, it remained within the family.I was scared to share it with people b/c of the taboo and stigma associated with it. I did not want to be judged ever by it.I buried my feelings and continued on with my life.I met a wonderful warm hearted man, we dated a little more than 1 year.I fell in love with him and we married. I never shared with him the real reason my dad passed away for the same reasons stated above.During the beginning of our marriage, there were many times when I tried to form the words, the courage, to tell my husband about my father, but I failed every time. I couldn't bare the weight of carrying this on my own anymore. I wanted openness, but I was still too afraid to talk about it.I shut this in me for 17 years. How easy was it going to be to let it out?One day, my husband asked me to hear a tape from a psychic that he had went to (without my knowledge).I was angry that he went without telling me, but that all changed after what I heard on that tape.The psychic was conveying my father's message that he was sorry for what he had done. I lost it and started to cry hysterically.At that point, I told my husband about my father and how he died.He comforted me and held me and asked me why I never told him.We are now trying to have a family of our own, however, we have not been lucky in that arena, and it is straining our relationship b/c still we have no children.My husband is not happy with his job or where we live.Several months have passed since I told my husband about my father, he now tells me that he loves me, but that he feels slighted b/c I never had the trust to tell him.That he deserved to know about it.He feels that there was(is) no trust in our marriage.I feel that my husband sees me in a different light now. I think I made a big mistake to tell him. What was I to do? I was expecting that my husband tell me that it is all in the past, that he understands why I never told me b/c I was afraid.But those were not his words, he told me that he loves me, but he feels slighted b/c I never trusted him enough to tell him. He is now disappointed in me.I thought love was unconditional.Can anyone shed some light on this for my sanity?


Alot to say Answered:
point blank you husband is being very immature!However you can't go telling him that because that will just add fuel to the fire!Sit down with him and start from the beginning.Start with the day it all happend, how you felt, what you saw, what you heard, the things that went through your head.Leave nothing out.Show him that you want him to know everything.Tell him how it has affected you over the years and how you felt you had to keep it a secret becuase you didnt want people to judge you and especially not him beucause you love him so much.After you have got it all out tell him exactly what you said here.Let him know that you tried telling you, you wanted to tell him and that not having told him for all these years has been the biggest burded on your sholders.Tell him that if you could go back to the beginning of your relationship you would tell him.Let him know that you not telling him has NOTHING to do with you not trusting you, or wanting to confide in him.It all had to do with your own self thought on how it would be perceived.You didnt want to be seen as the daughter of a man who took his own life but rather as your own person.Let him know that there are no more secrets and that you know you can go to him with anything and everything.

casey o Answered:
He needs to get over it, and you two seriously need to go to counseling. Make an appointment.

Dizzyagedperson Answered:
Your husband is certainly feeling hurt and probably letdown.When we fall in love with someone we tend to assume that over time all our secrets will be shared.You need to try to explain to him that it was not because you didn't trust him with the information, but that it was something so personal and so painful that you buried it so deep in an effort to, shall we say, put it behind you.I feel sure that your husband does still love you but is probably feeling a little bruised right now.Whilst he should be making every effort to understand your reasons you should also probably be making every effort to alleviate his hurst and disappointment and make him feel truly loved and trusted.The fact that he is disappointed in you is for him to deal with and to get over on his terms, all you can do is carry on as normal and don't let is become and issue.But it is very important that you keep communication channels open without laying blame at anyone's door.If you can't get over this by doing the above then perhaps counselling may help.It is also important when talking that you are both completely honest with each other.

Ouragon Answered:
Psychics are charletans. My sister worked as a "psychic" and laughed wildly at the stupid things she told people. You heard what you wanted to hear from the one your husband went to.

Suicide has no where near the stigma that you attach to it. Your husband is also being weird about you not telling him. It's clear that you were right not to tell him if this is his reaction.

Love between adults is NOT unconditional. The way you behave can change how your husband treats you. Try cheating on him and see how unconditionally he loves you.

It sounds like the two of you could use some therapy to get your expectations in line with reality.

the dude Answered:
I can sort of see where he is coming from, but he also needs to understand why you kept it inside. Counseling would work well, since neither of you will be able to communicate freely over the subject by yourselves. Good luck with that.

James Matthiessen Answered:
I dont know how everything is going with you guys but not telling him wasnt wrong at all! I myself have tried overdosing and that God it did not work! But when someone in your family does something like that I know how it feals to be mad/hurt/sad/confused/blamed. All the emotions going on all at once will last for a long time, posibly forever, and it is confusing.All that confusion WIll keep you from saying anything to anybody. It may not be that you didnt trust him to see though it, it may have jsut been the fear or acually getting it out in the open masked as distrust. Your Mind will automaticly make it hard for you to release those words because it will make you relive it. I Have to relive it everytime I have to go to a hospital and they ask me about it and Every employer that has seen my records. I know how hard it is to tell someone about this subject whether it be a spouse, co-worker, or family. Do not be ashamed or scared to tell anybody. It is in the past, It happened, It Is sad. But we learn from it, we learn to love and we learn how to be loved. I know he still loves you, He did marry you for you. He may be disapionted in you but that too will pass. I will have to tell my daughter one day that i tryed to leave her when she was 1 month old, and that would have never knew me if it had worked. But **** happens and people screw up. But we are loved no matter our past. . .

azbdf Answered:
What a burden you carried for all those years.Do you believe it about the psychic or did your husband find out and used the psychic as his way of getting you to tell him. Everything else you've said suggests to me that he found out your secret somehow and knew you would react to a psychic's message.I may be wrong, but I don't really believe in messages from the 'other side' especially those conveyed through so-called mediums, but I defend your right to believe in them.You are right on another point, you marry someone warts and all. I am sure there must be many things he hasn't told you, maybe not big secrets, but I bet not everything that perhaps he should have done.Hopefully in time your husband will get over the slight he feels.Good luck and very best wishes for the future.

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